This is a out of the blue request, but I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping up the story in this synopsis.
Angelica, the main character of the story is having trouble figuring out whether to stay with her friends in hell, or to go home to her uncaring parents, who she worries will miss her if she doesn't come back. The story is on a timer against the builders laying down the concrete foundation, blocking the road to the world above.
I had a feeling that this would happen, so if you have any kind of suggestion, it will be greatly received and you will have my sincere thanks. Sorry for any typos, they will be fixed in post.
I guess if Angelica has a lightning decision that she would rather stay in hell with her newfound friends than be with her asshole Dad than she should! but you would really need to show how awful her Dad is to her for it to make sense :)
ReplyDeleteOkay - so Graeme is right on this one - nothing here will make any kind of sense unless you establish for the AUDIENCE (i.e. the people who can only know what you show/tell them) that Angelica is better off in 'hell' with friends than upside with her dad. I think there needs to be more obvious connection between the businessman and what I think you're showing as some kind of building site threatening the forest. I wonder if it wouldn't be simpler if Angelica wasn't just a protestor - protesting against the fracking/building whatever this is - and then she falls down the hole - this would be quicker to set up than some kind of 'father/daughter' dynamic. So, she falls down the hole - meets the demons etc - I can't observing that there is still no genuine connection between the set-up (cement mixers/construction site) and the end of your story - i.e. Angelica decides to stay below. Could you not consider that Angelica enlists the demons to see off the builders etc - i.e. set up some actual relationship between Act 1 and Act 3?
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Thanks for the feedback guys; I've got a better idea of what to do with this ending now.
ReplyDeleteokay, so I've been thinking about your story again, and while I know you're attached to Angelica etc, I have this rationale to suggest deriving from the character of the father, the environmental protesters and the cement mixer:
ReplyDeleteSo - we're introduced to this guy who is an evil property developer, who is happily concreting over huge swathes of forest etc. He is your typical, cigar-smoking, super-rich son-of-a-bitch! Anyway, one of his diggers rolls and starts digging a huge hole for the foundations of some super luxury hotel or whatever terrible scheme he has in mind. There are loads of environmental protestors, one of them hits the guy on the head with one of the placards and the developer stumbles and falls into the hole - which, in common with your previous story, transports him, Alice-like, into an alternate world. Essentially, the guy goes to hell where the consequences of his actions are shown to him - we see a world of concrete and dead animals - and dead people, because all the fields are gone, and therefore the bees, and therefore the food cycle - he's sort of taken on a whistlestop tour of the future, and it's not good. He's desperate to get out - and he looks up, and sees the blue sky above, and he climbs and climbs while all the time the dead animals and bones come alive and claw at him and try dragging him back down - and he looks down, and he know sees, if he should slide all the back down, he'll fall into a huge hellish cement mixer churning below - a cauldron of grey sludge and dead stuff. He climbs and climbs, but the bones aren't having it... he slides back down - arrgh!
Suddenly, he wakes up and we see that he was lying unconscious on the floor after he was hit by the placard - he didn't fall down the hole at all - he's had a 'Christmas Carol-style' fever dream, he's seen the future, and he gets up and halts the machines ... a changed man. Phew - everyone is happy, but just when he - and we - think it's all happy ending stuff, the floor opens beneath him and we see him tumble into the earth - he's been judged and found guilty...