Okay - cards on the table time - I absolutely think your story is too long for 2 minutes. I also think your story is still struggling to express itself satisfyingly - though your latest iteration is glimmering with 'nearly there-ness'. Personally, if you weren't so fixated on everything you've already committed too - those demons etc, the designs for which you developed even before you had a story idea - and if you were putting the audience first over and above your own reluctance to let go of some stuff - I think the perfect shape for your 2 min short would appear. I urge you - with all my grey haired experience around this stuff - to let go of some stuff and look more objectively at what you've got here (and what you don't need).
I think your story is as simple as this: the daughter of a property developer falls down a hole into a hellish dimension: the 'hell' in this instance, is a de-natured world of pollution and mess (it is the future of the world - it is this young girl's future actually - a hell created by her father's generation). At the end of the story, the girl is 'rescued' by her father, who then decides to stop the development. The girl is rescued from a polluted future by the actions of her father in the present. This makes total sense - it's a great idea - and it's *your* idea, because this is essentially what you've arrived at now. However, we still have those demons of yours - which you're desperate to use because you like them, even though I'd argue they can't help you tell a story in which 'hell' is a terrifying place from which the girl needs rescuing. If you were literally to drop those cutesy characters and focus instead on this girl being terrified and trapped by pollution demons or oil-slick monsters or bull-dozer beasts etc only to be rescued at the last minute by her dad, then your story would make complete sense to everyone. You're about 80% away from making this work, so I urge you again, Anabel - drop something to let your story shine! You can have a cute creature if you want... the thing that lures your character into the cement mixer (that is the portal to this future earth hell dimension)...
Oh yeah - I was a bit confused by your storyboards (though I really like the dynamism of your panel drawings), because in this OGR, you don't include the idea of the girl entering the dimension through the cement mixer - and it's not in your script - but it's a REALLY GOOD IDEA and a very clever use of that otherwise difficult component. You've included this in your most recent storyboard - and it made me say 'Yes!' when I saw it, because it makes perfect sense - the cement-mixer - symbol of deforestation and development - becomes the 'way in' to a terrible future. This is good stuff.
So - I'm going to say it again, Anabel. You have 2 minutes of screen time; there is a way to get this done - and there's a way to get it done so that everything joins up and communicates in a very satisfying way. Every fibre of my being is telling me to tell you to get rid of the cast of demon buddies, and instead make that place a terrifying spectacle from which this little girl needs to saved by her formerly disinterested father figure - which is a metaphor for one generation finally intervening to rescue another from a hellish future...
Hi Phil, Thanks for the feedback, it really reaffirms everything I was worried over, although I probably would benefit from a meeting at some point to smooth over some things like whats necessary and what's unnecessary I think..
Sorry if you were confused over the ideas I had after the second OGR presentation, sometimes ideas come sporadically. I tend to get some ideas down better if I draw them through, so will get some of it into the script on Monday. For now I'm gonna keep going with the storyboards, see where it takes me.
I was really thinking along the lines of a sort of 'Alice in Wonderland' (will influence board this), 'Silent Hill', and to some extent studio Ghibli sort of angle (thus the friendly demons) since the protagonist is a little girl, the film would have a different feel is my thinking. Plus the environmental message to really tie events together really helps put a spin on things. Would agree that story would benefit from ditching Satina (the mountain goat), perhaps will keep Leo (bio-luminescent) since the cement mixer scene and beyond may require that extra.
I've got some other things to finalise like the beasts and Father, so a couple more posts and the story should be done with, ready for an animatic.
OGR 10/02/2017
ReplyDeleteHi Anabel,
Okay - cards on the table time - I absolutely think your story is too long for 2 minutes. I also think your story is still struggling to express itself satisfyingly - though your latest iteration is glimmering with 'nearly there-ness'. Personally, if you weren't so fixated on everything you've already committed too - those demons etc, the designs for which you developed even before you had a story idea - and if you were putting the audience first over and above your own reluctance to let go of some stuff - I think the perfect shape for your 2 min short would appear. I urge you - with all my grey haired experience around this stuff - to let go of some stuff and look more objectively at what you've got here (and what you don't need).
I think your story is as simple as this: the daughter of a property developer falls down a hole into a hellish dimension: the 'hell' in this instance, is a de-natured world of pollution and mess (it is the future of the world - it is this young girl's future actually - a hell created by her father's generation). At the end of the story, the girl is 'rescued' by her father, who then decides to stop the development. The girl is rescued from a polluted future by the actions of her father in the present. This makes total sense - it's a great idea - and it's *your* idea, because this is essentially what you've arrived at now. However, we still have those demons of yours - which you're desperate to use because you like them, even though I'd argue they can't help you tell a story in which 'hell' is a terrifying place from which the girl needs rescuing. If you were literally to drop those cutesy characters and focus instead on this girl being terrified and trapped by pollution demons or oil-slick monsters or bull-dozer beasts etc only to be rescued at the last minute by her dad, then your story would make complete sense to everyone. You're about 80% away from making this work, so I urge you again, Anabel - drop something to let your story shine! You can have a cute creature if you want... the thing that lures your character into the cement mixer (that is the portal to this future earth hell dimension)...
Oh yeah - I was a bit confused by your storyboards (though I really like the dynamism of your panel drawings), because in this OGR, you don't include the idea of the girl entering the dimension through the cement mixer - and it's not in your script - but it's a REALLY GOOD IDEA and a very clever use of that otherwise difficult component. You've included this in your most recent storyboard - and it made me say 'Yes!' when I saw it, because it makes perfect sense - the cement-mixer - symbol of deforestation and development - becomes the 'way in' to a terrible future. This is good stuff.
So - I'm going to say it again, Anabel. You have 2 minutes of screen time; there is a way to get this done - and there's a way to get it done so that everything joins up and communicates in a very satisfying way. Every fibre of my being is telling me to tell you to get rid of the cast of demon buddies, and instead make that place a terrifying spectacle from which this little girl needs to saved by her formerly disinterested father figure - which is a metaphor for one generation finally intervening to rescue another from a hellish future...
Hi Phil, Thanks for the feedback, it really reaffirms everything I was worried over, although I probably would benefit from a meeting at some point to smooth over some things like whats necessary and what's unnecessary I think..
DeleteSorry if you were confused over the ideas I had after the second OGR presentation, sometimes ideas come sporadically. I tend to get some ideas down better if I draw them through, so will get some of it into the script on Monday. For now I'm gonna keep going with the storyboards, see where it takes me.
I was really thinking along the lines of a sort of 'Alice in Wonderland' (will influence board this), 'Silent Hill', and to some extent studio Ghibli sort of angle (thus the friendly demons) since the protagonist is a little girl, the film would have a different feel is my thinking. Plus the environmental message to really tie events together really helps put a spin on things. Would agree that story would benefit from ditching Satina (the mountain goat), perhaps will keep Leo (bio-luminescent) since the cement mixer scene and beyond may require that extra.
I've got some other things to finalise like the beasts and Father, so a couple more posts and the story should be done with, ready for an animatic.